Thursday, October 11, 2018

To Job or Not To Job

I did a strange thing today. I applied for a job. Not a fun one either. Nope, I applied for a full-time office job. A nine-to-five.

Finding a new job has not been on my radar; however, I met up with a former coworker (and friend) for lunch today, and she told me about a job I might like at her sister's organization. I took a look out of curiosity, texted my friend, and decided to apply. I'm not sure if I applied out of fear of not working, or because I was bored, or because I needed to feel like I was doing something productive, but I went through the motions of uploading my cover letter and resume. On the application, I entered a desired start date in 2019, as I figured 2020 might look silly. I'm not ready to go back to work, but I figured I might not get it anyway. If I do, I can decide what to do later.

That was about 45 minutes ago, and I feel a bit weird now. Almost like I betrayed myself, because maybe I did.

All the evidence points to me having another moment of fear today. The negative self-talk got through, and I feared never being able to get a job again. I feared being unhireable. Because who cares that I don't want to work right now. It scares me that no one would want me.

Dang you, fear!! I'm shaking my fist at you.

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